Standing in the shower, shampoo slithering down my body, I’m bent over pulling the razor gently up my lathered left leg when I see something out of the corner of my eye. I turn my head slowly to see what it is.
OH shit! WHY? WHY NOW? I’m buck naked, soap all over me and YOU decide it’s nice and warm in here and drop in. OK. Well, I’m a big girl, I can handle this. Nope!
Shivers rack my body as if I’m standing on a fault line in a massive earthquake! I try to breathe slow and deep.
Relax. You’re fine! Nope! I am definitely not fine!
“Tom!!!!!” No answer. “TOM!!!!!!!!!” I hear his chair push back as he stands.
He calls out to me, “What?!?”
I can’t seem to find my voice, so he asks again! “What?!”
WHY CANT HE JUST OPEN THE DOOR AND COME INTO THE BATHROOM?
Another deep breath– slowly, in and out.
I’m still waiting!
“Linda, did you call me?”
Fear overwhelms me and a deep desire to have this over with ASAP causes me to find my voice, weak and strained, but my voice. I can’t believe how calmly I respond with “Yes, can you come in here, please?”
Tom opens the door and asks me what I need. Once again I can’t find my voice.
Sheesh woman! What the hell is wrong with you?
I pull back the shower curtain as slowly as I can while keeping my eye trained on the target of my discomfort! Impatient, Tom asks me what I want.
All I can do is point. My damned voice is locked away deep inside my hammering heart.
“What, Linda?!? What do you want?!?” Tom asks in his heated– Im busy– tone.
“That!” Scrapes out of my lungs in a wicked hiss.
“Well, what do you want me to do about it?” he says as he eyes the target.
Exasperated and close to a heart attack at this point, I scream out “Kill it!!!!”
How can he possibly not understand how truly terrified I am? Isn’t it apparent with my lack of words? My trembling body? My previous debilitating experience with such as this? I know, I know!! He knows I can normally handle something like this without batting an eye, but, not right now! Why can’t he see that?
“Why don’t you just kill it?” he says!
I believe I spasmed and spat something out of my tightly clenched lips because he suddenly grabbed some toilet paper and attacked the wall as if there were an ogre come to life and about to slaughter him whole. He swings left, then right, I can almost see the gleaming sword in his hand as he does battle with the wall.
A little over the top considering the size of the target.
And, of course, he misses! Granted, there’s water spraying everywhere, there’s a hysterical woman covered in shampoo and shaving gel in the way. It really was a heroic effort, but as we all know, things don’t always go to plan.
Squealing in sheer terror I jump back and hit the faucet behind me. I slip on the soap on the shower floor, just enough to make it impossible for Tom to reach the target before it can get to me! I thought I was going to wet myself right there on the spot! I guess it wouldn’t have mattered much if I did as it would just run down the drain but, being the lady that I am, it wasn’t my idea of fun at the moment.
After the target made its way towards me and three or four more swipes and misses with the wad of toilet paper, my hero was successful and he smote that evil thing!
Or so we both thought– until we see it scampering across the bathroom floor. It should have been in the toilet at this point! How those vile creatures manage to pull off such death-defying stunts so cavalierly, well, I’ll never know.
A few seconds of dancing around on one foot, trying to keep his balance as he seeks to destroy the object of our discontent, finally ends with my hero slaying that dastardly creature!
I have never felt so relieved, embarrassed, annoyed and amused all at the exact same time. All because a tiny (albeit very black, very hairy and creepy looking) spider decided he wanted to take a shower with me!
Why do I always attract the creepy ones? sigh